Amazing Grace

My group of friends often teases our friend Ben because he sings so many songs with amazing grace in them. Two of the most popular are Grace Like Rain and my very favorite Amazing Grace My Chains are gone.  We often listen to and enjoy these songs but do we ever really sit and think about the true meaning of them?  Today I began thinking about amazing grace and what it truly means.  The word amazing means astonishing, awesome or wonderful. One definition (which was my favorite and I think the only meaning) of grace is freely given unmerited favor from God.  It really hit me what a truly wonderful gift it is.  God created us to be different than what we have turned out to be. There are days when we are truly pleasing to God and I'm sure he smiles when we are.  There are also days when we fail him terribly and I'm sure we are a disappointment.  Still when we make those mistakes and have those days when we fail miserably, God's amazing grace is still ours for the taking.  God in His infinite wisdom knew that we would not be perfect and that we would have many days when we would fail.  If we realize our mistakes and ask forgiveness God is there to grant us mercy and give us that unmerited favor.  Although I have been a Christian for 25 years, it still is hard for me to fathom how God is there for me no matter how many times I disappoint Him.  I used to think I had to earn everything God does for me but I now know that is not true.  If I had to deserve it, I would get none of it.  That's what makes it such an awesome gift.  My relationship with God has grown a lot since I was first saved and every day I continue to learn more and more about His plan.  For the new year some of my friends and I have decided to not set resolutions and instead to set goals.  Some of them even have a keyword for the year.  My word is let-it-go.  Now I know that is three words but not the way I say it.  I am praying specifically that God will help me to let go of things that hold me back from being what He has planned me to be.  I'm also learning to be more forgiving and to know that others have to be responsible for the things they do and that just because they hurt me doesn't mean that I am less than what I was before it happened.  God is the ultimate example of freely granting unmerited favor to those who don't deserve it.  So all I have to do when I need a reminder to do the same is to say those two famous words...........Amazing Grace.

Daddy's Little Girl

Every little girl has a desire to be "Daddy's little girl."  You want to be protected and guided and to be the light of your Father's eye.  I see a lot of my friends who have strong fathers who love and protect them and who try to guide them in their decisions. They try to mold them into fine young ladies who are independent enough to survive on their own but soft enough to let someone in to help share their lives.  I think that is a quality I envy most.  I of course had a father but mine was not a typical circumstance.  My father was married to someone else when my mother became pregnant with me.  My mother was unaware of his marriage at the time but she decided to make the best of the situation after she knew.  My father was a truck driver and often traveled quite a lot.  I was told he came to visit almost every day from the time I was born until I was about 7 months old.  My mother said he even called me "Daddy's little girl" and seemed to be so proud.  I don't know what happened to make him have less frequent visits after that.  Throughout the time I was growing up I hardly ever saw my father. I only remember twice when I did see him.  I do however remember him calling.  At first I would talk to him and let him know what was going on in my life at that time.  He would always ask how I was and then he would want to speak to my mother.  I eventually stopped answering the phone when he called because I didn't think he was interested and was only calling to speak to my mother.  I started having a lot of anger towards him.  I wanted him to be around to teach me things and to get to know him.  People that knew him always told me how much I looked like him.  That even made me angry.  I thought "How come they get to know that I look like him but I don't get to see it?"  My mother being the sweet woman she was always told me I should not be so angry with my father, that I needed to try to understand and give him a chance.  I would just think why should I give someone a chance who never gave me one?  I tried several times to contact him.  I sent a letter and made several phone calls, only to be rejected every time. I finally quit trying and just let the anger build and build.  My father became very ill in 1998.  He was hospitalized several times but I never had the opportunity to go see him because his family would be there and they wouldn't allow it.  Plus I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to go.  In January of 1999 I got a call from my older sister who was working as an EMT at the local hospital.  She said my dad was there and had taken a turn for the worse.  She said he wanted to see me and that his family had gone home for the night so it shouldn't be a problem for me to come.  The problem was I still had so much built up anger that I really didn't want to go.  My mother was devastated that my father was so ill and pleaded with me to go.  She said she didn't want something to happen to him and me to have regrets for not going.  I said I would go but I was only going to let him know how angry I had been and how much he hurt me by not being around.  I was nervous but when I walked into the room I was floored.  I finally saw what everyone had always told me.  I did look so very much like him.  I have his eyes, his nose, the shape of his lips.  Our smile is practically the same.  He immediately started to cry.  He told me how much he had thought of me over the years.  He said he had so many regrets for not being the Father I deserved and needed him to be.  He didn't offer excuses, just regret for his actions.  He also told me that he had accepted Jesus as his savior and that helped him see how wrong he had been.  Although I always had so much anger and resentment for him not being there, at that very moment it didn't seem to matter.  To me that was the precious time I always longed to have with him.  It was an hour of honesty and true emotion that I consider a priceless treasure.  My father died 2 months after that visit.  I never got to see him again.  I do consider it a blessing that God allowed the time and that He changed my mind when I walked into that hospital room.  Although I still look back over my life and miss having my father be a part of it, I am thankful for the lesson.  God taught me to be forgiving and has helped me move past it.  I don't have much left of my father, except his eyes and his smile, but I do have the knowledge that he is in Heaven and one day we will get to finally know each other.

He's Still Working On Me

I have such a love for creative writing.  I am new to blogging and due to the suggestion of a friend who has done it for a long time, I have decided it would be a great outlet for me.  I have been through many things in my life and I have survived all of them but only by God's grace.  Because of some of those things I have often felt inferior and as though I am not worthy of the good things in life.  I have prayed very specifically for the past two years for God to teach me how to be the person He created me to be.  Two weeks ago in our evening church service our Pastor gave invitation for anyone who needed to pray to come forth and do so.  I felt an overwhelming urge to go and pray.  While I and a friend of mine were praying the Pastor said he felt like some of the church members should come and pray with us.  This is not something that happens often.  Usually whomever needs to pray gets to do so and the Pastor will sometime pray with them.  I felt like a weight had been lifted when I finished praying.  God really spoke to me and I felt like He was letting me know that now is the time for the transformation to begin.  I know God has always had a plan but I didn't understand how He would not let something I prayed so hard for happen when I needed it so badly.  I understand now that when we hear that everything happens in God's time, that's really the way it is.  It is not going to be an easy transformation for me to go through and I know I will have many lessons to learn, but I also know it will all be worth it.  Maybe God saw that I was not ready for the work to begin until now.  I don't know what God has planned but I know that whatever He holds for me will be the right thing and I am open for it.  Today is the first day of a new year and I don't make resolutions but this year my goal is to let God work.  God made the whole world in just a week.  I believe He is going to take His time with my transformation but as long as He is still working on me, I will eventually be the person He meant me to be.  I look forward to the journey...........................